When you see...

If you haven't heard the song linked above, listen before you finish reading the blog. It has touched a spot deep within me every time I have heard it, but this past push in the journey it has taken on a whole new meaning. If you aren't in the mood of reading a transparent post..you may want to skip this one. This is just another moment along the journey of life. It's that moment when the load feels heavy and the choice has to be made. Are you going to keep eyes forward looking at the One keeping you afloat or are you going to pay attention to the feelings of the water underneath? Eyes off of moving forward and the sinking occurs before you realize. You start to feel overwhelmed with the mess of life (let's get honest we all have a mess we are carrying) and you see you are treading water, but there is a deep part within your soul that longs to be back on top of the water. Once you have walked on the water with Him, you know what it's like to be in that surrender walk....treading water wears you out quickly, exhaustion sets in, and if you aren't careful the motions are quick to follow. You plaster that smile on and do what needs to be done each day, but all the while deep inside longing for that flame you once had raging on the inside to burn again. God won't let you go under and at some point, you find your way back to the surface and see the hand that's been ready to help you back up all along. You get still long enough to let Him breathe on your flame...and the fire that was just a minute ago a flicker starts to burn bright again. When you see....He sees....

Busy can creep in faster than you realize and with each moment of doing, you lose a moment of just being. You spend so much time focused on what others need that you lose sight of what you need. As much as we may want others to read minds they can't. Oh people can sense when something isn't right, they can sense when you are treading water, but if you don't push out a brick ....the wall is going to stay up. We all have a story to tell, but are we telling it or just assuming others are able to read it? Let that sink in.....because so many times the enemy leads us to become frustrated with others but if we will get real we are frustrated with ourselves. It's like receiving a really nice coat/boots/scarf for a present. You opened it with excitement wore it for a season or two, but put it away when the season wasn't right. Then the season comes around again, but it just doesn't feel right. You can't walk in that present you received because you are so focused on how the season feels. The first part of the present is receiving it, the other is walking in that gift....(each and every day regardless of the season). Seasons are going to change and sometimes even when the calendar says it's a new season, it may not feel like it is. (Let that sink in for a minute......have you felt the shift?) . 

So many times we are waiting around for others to see our hearts, recognize our worth and God's waiting on us to see it for ourselves. For when we truly begin to see from His perspective everything else grows strangely dim. You may be reading this going I thought she said transparent post....well most of where I typed you I could have typed I. The last month and half have been a chapter of a book that is still to be written. It's been a turn in the journey where busy crept in, scars that had been "healed" were opened up again, and it was easier to just do instead of be. You see I know that it's in the still moments when God speaks in (whether it's what you want to hear or not). All I could see was what I couldn't do or be , when He was longing for me to see what He made me to be. Feelings because louder and my insecure anxious self was the voice that I responded to instead of the confident anointed voice that knew regardless of feeling, God has a plan (because He always does). One thing the enemy loves is isolation....don't let it get to that point. You know what you need, don't be afraid to ask for it and let others in. God has planted you where you are at for a reason...if He wanted you to move, He would release you. Live life with who God has placed in your path, but to do that....climb out of the turtle shell let people in on the inside and then let God start the healing He's been wanting to do for a very, very, very long time. One last thing....don't complain to Him about not fitting in or having no one to connect with, if you aren't willing to open up and give others a chance. You may not have a group that you feel like is yours, but God will give you what you need....and will tell you who is there for when you need to push out a brick. 

As you read this you are probably thinking one of two things....you have thought back to a time in your life where you can relate to what I have typed (or you may even be in that moment right now) or you are thinking what in the world is she talking about (and if that's you...hold on because your moment will come). Life is a journey and it's not a flat field to walk. There are rocks, there are dips, hills, and mountains to climb. There are moments when you are walking on the water, moments when you feel like you are sinking, and moments when you want to go crawl in a cave and hide. Let this truth sink in....God knew about those moments before you were born. He knew what kind of heart He put on the inside of you, how you would struggle to see yourself in His eyes, and how one day....the seeds would start to take root and the bloom would start to appear. He knew before you were born what walking out the gift He gave you would look like. He knew you would question yourself more times than you should and how you would need Him to remind you more than once just how much He loves you the way you are. He sees past the smile and He hears the thoughts you push play on more than you delete. He knows how you feel your way through moments but also how He uses those moments to draw you to Him. Oh can't you see...when you see anxiety, insecurity, fear, wounds, scars......He sees a purpose and a story that He has been writing since before you were born. 

An almost turtle moment....

I'm learning to run everything through the filter of the One who knew it was going to happen in the first place. Some moments are sandpaper that rub off the rough edges to make us more like Him. Some moments may feel like a crack, but they won't break us...because He's using them to remold a place in us that needs to look more like Him. When our heart's desire is to be in step with Him, He answers.....our natural doesn't always understand it, but it was never meant for our natural to make sense of it. There is a space deep inside that knows the steps we take are ordered by the One who orchestrated the neurons in our brains to order our feet to move. There is a tune that is being sung that can only be heard by the heart that is still and listening for the whisper of the Creator. Life is so busy at times that we run here and there, from good things to good things, forgetting that good things don't always line up with God things. We can give so much of ourselves to others that we have nothing left to give to Him much less ourselves. Busy does not yield fruit....it equals spending so much time running from this crop to that crop that you lose time to tend to those things that God has called you to tend. Get still for a minute, okay it may take longer than a minute.....and listen what makes your heart smile? What are those things/people/moments that God has placed in your path that energize you and renew a sense of purpose within you? Those my friend are fruit indicators.....listen to what makes your heart truly beat and run after it.

October was a month that had some amazing memories that were made, but at the same time there was stretching like I haven't felt in awhile. Stretching isn't always a bad thing, if you cooperate and get still enough to realize what's really happening.  Getting still has been my problem this past month, well still long enough to listen. When I haven't spent time listening like I need to, it impacts my natural and my insecure self starts to become louder than my spiritual self. I've been the queen of walls before, the one who has wanted to hide in the turtle shell until I felt like coming out. I've lived a lot of this journey not wanting to be that open book because it never seemed like anyone wanted to read what I was writing. I have a small group that I text in a moment when I'm almost stuck (I've learned not to wait until stuck...), that same group has always been that safe place and will always speak truth to where I'm at. We get through those moments when the enemy wants us stuck with the help of those God friends that He has placed in our lives. We grow through those moments with the Aaron and Hur's He has given us that say no you can do this and hold you up while you press through. Stuck looks different for everyone, you know what it means for you.....reach out before you get there and don't slide back into the turtle shell. You can only fake a smile for so long.....but God knows that and He knows when so long is about to happen. Follow His steps and look for Him to show up.... (He's faithful to meet the needs of His children). 

He heard my cry this week and rained down in the car on the way to work the next day. He heard my I'm tired, feeling empty.....and spoke straight in to that inner part of me. When you wake up with Tasha Cobbs singing "Fill Me Up"...you know God's shifting and moving on your behalf. When you get in the car and "If We're Honest" is playing on...God's tilling up the ground that has become hardened by life .....and when He speaks in to play "Take Me to the King" and the lyrics mirror exactly where you are at...You sing along a the top of your lungs because you are thankful He broke through. The wall that was on it's way up was broken down again by just a word from the One who knew the wall was there (even though you may have hid it from everyone else). It was a short drive to work, but the presence felt put the smile on my face that wasn't forced. 

I don't know where you are at this weekend, but God does. He's heard every "I'm tired", He knows where your tank level is and He gets it. He's seen what you have tried to smile through and He is already moving on your behalf in a realm you can't see. He could whisper right now and stop it all, but oh sweet friend He wants you to trust His timing as He takes you through this part of your journey. The ground may feel rocky, but He is filling up the bucket to rain down and fill you up sweet child. Get still and get ready.....He's bringing about a move that is beyond your imagination. 

Sometimes we have to take ourselves to the King...knowing that He is the Only One that can move what needs to be moved and speak life to that which needs to be spoken into. You may see a wall up right now or that turtle shell close by. Push through knowing that He sees right where you are, hears those whispers from your heart, and has promised to be with you each moment of the way. God may my heart be sensitive to the "I'm tired's" in my path and those that smile. May we be for others what we need ourselves knowing God will give back, pressed down shaken together and running over......

Midnight moment

It's almost 1:00...I should be asleep but anyway... Insight into my time with Him tonight.

I am in 1 Kings in my Bible Reading (specifically chapter 18 and 19). Elijah is on Mt. Carmel and God is setting the stage to where there is no doubt that He is the one that shows up. (Hello He rains down fire on wet wood).  Soon after this amazing display of God's power... Elijah takes off running. Fear was in charge of his feet faster than truth could. He takes off and hides in a cave afraid for his life. I can only imagine the feelings going through his mind. I am sure he was anxious, fearful, depressed, worn...and what we would call today burned out. God knew where He was at though...and even through his need to sort out his feelings...God covered and provided for His needs. God gave him some turtle shell behind the wall time... because He knew Elijah's heart and He knew the call on Elijah's life. Some time passes...and an angel says okay enough is enough...it's time to get back up. He asked Elijah what are you doing here? (God already knew why he was there...but He needed for Elijah to recognize what took him to that place). Elijah started in with the burnt out worn out servant's answer..  I love how God says... go stand here (He was specific) and wait.. the presence of God is about to pass by. If you have ever felt the presence of God...so strong to where you didn't want to get up, where intelligible words failed to come, where tears flowed.....where you just knew He was right there...That presence can shift any circumstance...not because the circumstance changes but you are reminded who God is period. So Elijah expects the presence in the big things (the earthquake, the wind, the fire)... something Elijah could see ...but God came in the whisper. Something Elijah had to be still, had to be listening for, and had to be open to hearing.... Elijah was ready to receive and hear the whisper because of where he had been that brought him to where he was at. God didn't waste Elijah's run and hide moment...He used it to pour back into His weary worn servant when Elijah got still enough to receive.

Sunday moments...

Sometimes He seems silent because He's already spoken what He needed to say. 

If there was a way that I could pour out the discussions God and I have had over the last couple of weeks, it would fill up more than a post. There is a book in there somewhere and it's getting closer to time to write it. There is a story that only I can tell and a walk that has steps laid out for me. There is a urgency in my heart to keep the rocks from crying out in my place. He's been too good for me to let that happen, but sometimes we stay silent because we don't feel we have a story to tell. If you are breathing...you have a story to tell. God doesn't define stories by age, gender, or place in life. He's not looking to see if there is a ring on your finger or a title in front of your name. He's looking for someone willing to let go of comfortable. Someone who is tired of doing what has always been done and ready to take part in only what He can do. The seeds have been planted, it's time to start tending to the blooms....because God sees the fruit that is coming. 

I have known that over the last couple of years there is a shift that is slowly happening in me. It's one I can't explain to most (and trust me I've tried), but it's seen by those who know me. Not the me that I always portray because let's face it, I'm queen at putting up walls and staying in the turtle shell if need be. I spent years being comfortable with freedom in one area and a box in the other....that is until God destroyed the box. It's taken a good fifteen months to finally see that my frustration is God's way of keeping me focused that I'm not at home. It's God way of reminding me seasons are on His timetable and the anointing on the inside isn't chained up anymore. It's God's way of saying, I brought you this far sweet child of mine...trust me for the rest. We all have struggles and things that God has guided us through, around, and over. Call it a testimony, call it a story....but you have one and God has a purpose for the one He gave you. Your part is to be willing, God will do the rest. 

God's looking for us to give ourselves away to Him...He'll take care of the using part. He's not looking for us to give so much of ourselves away that we lose sight of who He created us to be. I want to be found faithful.....faithful to His plan for me, faithful to His calling for my life, faithful to the territory He has called me to cover. I want to stand before Him one day and hear Him say well done, I want to be able to lay crowns at His feet, and know that I used all that He gave me to use. I don't want God to have to ask, why didn't you use all I gave you? I could stay there for awhile, but that's a post for later. I'll say this....the talents on the inside of you are yours to invest. Don't hide them in the ground because of fear or complacency. 

Post is different, but it's my heart right now. Transparency is where I'm at with God. I'm not perfect....I struggle daily with insecurity, lack of confidence, anxiety (just to name a few)....some days my flesh is louder, but God always breaks through. He's been faithful to send me those reminders...that His purpose is still moving forward, that I'm not going backwards, and that His anointing is still flowing. Look around us readers, God's calling all of us His children to move forward in the call He has placed for us. The mountain we used to travel around is meant to be left behind in Jesus name. God's calling us all forward....because there are souls to be ministered to and lives to be touched on the other side of the mountain that we keep circling. 

I don't know what exactly God is doing, but I know He's moving. I can see some of what He's doing in the spiritual and my natural is encouraged despite the distractions. There is a confidence that grows on the inside of me because I know that God hasn't brought me this far to stop now. The bumps and struggles in the day are not to discourage me, but to encourage me...that God has the day when it's above me. If He told me the timetable of this season, I'm pretty sure my natural would stress about it. So I'm thankful He shows me one step at a time. I've see what He can do......and He's not finished yet! 

I don't know where you are at in this walk with Him, but He does. He knows what He has planted on the inside of you and what He planned for you to do before you were even born. That tug, that push, that uncomfortable feeling.....listen to it sweet reader for it may be God trying to whisper to your heart. He knows what you need and when you need it. Those prayers you keep asking Him about, He's working them out if He hasn't given you an answer yet.....He's moving things in place even now and the best is still to come. God's been listening to every word you have whispered. Be encouraged today and walk in the victory He already claimed for you in Jesus name! 

Thursday Thoughts

This blog has been forming since midnight this morning...I would have written it then, but I needed some time to process what all God was speaking in during my war time with Him. I needed a word, I was at a point where I knew I was smack dab up against a wall again and I wasn't moving till I got the word over, through, or I'll move it. God pulled back some layers last night and started asking the tough questions, I can't say I was surprised...I asked Him to. God's always faithful to give us the word we need to keep doing what He has called us to do. It's up to us with what we do with that word. For me I've been asking for a couple of requests for months now. Sometimes if it seems God's not answering, it's because He's already answered and is waiting on us for our part. He's not going to drag us kicking and screaming to the revelation, but eventually that neon sign becomes so bright you can't ignore it anymore. God knows what is draining our time and our energy. He knows what we are involved in that needs to be pruned so that the fruit He has planned for us can be planted. If we keep tending to dead branches, we will never have any time or focus to put on the branches that are ready to be connected to the vine. I asked God last night why I didn't notice this one thing until just recently.....I'm so visual He had to show me a picture. Sometimes God has that thing covered for a season, the drains aren't a drain if someone is covering the hole. Let that sink in.....

Martha time has it's purpose, but we can become so consumed with being Martha that we forget to stop and spend time being Mary. He doesn't want us to be focused on spending time doing for Him that we forget to spend time with Him. If we will be with Him we will be filled to do life with Him. We can become so stuck on doing for Him that we don't spend enough time with Him. The more He wants to pour in, the more we must sit with Him period. The deeper we go with Him, the more time we will need Him to pour in through His word, through prayer time, through songs, and through those friends that God has placed in our paths to be the fan to our flame. Don't neglect things that fan your flame...it leads to a worn and weary and let's be honest that's not how God wants us to be. He needs us to take the time we need to pour into ourselves, to keep our flames fanned...so that we can fan the flames of the people He has put in our path. I've learned this lesson the hard way....when I carry things for too long, it begins to weigh me down...when my give out is gave out and on it's way to burn out...my flame is on it's way to a flicker. If I let those go on too long...it wears at me and eventually wears me down. Sometimes we just need someone to come along side and say Hey I'm praying for you. The enemy wants us to "feel" alone in the battle we are pushing through. This life was never meant to live alone....we need to pay attention to those who God has placed in our path. The enemy seeks to wear out the saints of God.....let's not let Him. We will all have seasons of weariness and worn out.....it's going to happen as God refines us to rely on those times for His strength. As Christians we have got to do better at looking outside of our cliques and circles (yep they exist #beinghonest), to those in our daily walks....and coming along side of them to be that Aaron and Hur when they are tired. We are all going to have battles to fight and yes God is fighting them for us, but in the natural we are going to to get tired....(especially those of us who don't pay attention to our limitations and let our give outs become gave out). Spiritual warfare is real and it's here.....it's time to join together and take care of the people God has placed in our lives.


So back to the wall I knew I had hit again last night....the fumes were real and the tank was past empty. God whispered last night(well midnight), that the wall was Him....because this going around the same particular mountain was over. God has brought me too far in the last six years for me to let the enemy slip back in through motions and "good works". This tired is the enemy's attempt to steal my focus....I have a purpose and a calling to do each and every day. I have flames that are looking for me to fan them period. Then God used a Sunday School lesson I taught a couple of weeks ago to speak into the season I've been walking in.....it's pruning time. (ouch)....God's faithful to come through and take care of cutting them off of your tree, but you have to clear them away. Until you clear them away, you'll keep stepping around and through those things that may easily entangle you...if it's not bearing God fruit..you have choices to make. Just as there are blooms that God doesn't want to see bloomed in your life, there are fruits that He doesn't want to see produced either....let that sink in. (frustration and exhaustion are not God fruits....)

One last thought....I read this quote last week and I've been chewing on it ever since. It is possible to be in a room full of people and feel alone. Proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity. It's possible to be doing somewhere and never feel like you can be there. There is more to this in a blog to come, but God's still writing it. I've lived way too much of life in a box designed by other people. It's a box with walls that God didn't design and I've finally reached the frustration point where I've got to make some changes. There is God fruit that needs to be nurtured and other fruit/branches that need to be laid at the feet of the Only One who knows what to do with them. I know I'm nothing without Him....but when you can finally look and see the you He sees......whew! That's enough to make this Jesus girl shout and take a run

Different kind of blog tonight....but it's been that kind of week. God's moving and the enemy is distracting. I'm thankful for tired moments that lead me to His lap.....I'm thankful for weary moments that He uses to remind me He's just getting started. I'm thankful for worn tears that He uses to remind me of His purpose. I'm thankful for ministry scars that remind me that God's anointing will always cover and protect. I'm thankful for a flicker that He uses to remind me that what He has lit will never be extinguished. I'm thankful for moments where I feel like nothing that God uses to remind me He is everything. The battle is real, but the victory is bigger. Is your focus on the Goliath in front of you or the God within you? Quit trying to put on other's armor, pick up your stones covered in truth, and march on......Don't rely on whether you feel like it or not, rely on the truth that the One who has called you is Faithful and He will do it! The fields are ripe...and it's harvest time! 

Thoughts this Sunday...

Out of the boat faith doesn't mean you can always see where you are going, but you know who you are walking towards. It doesn't mean that you don't feel the waves that are beneath your feet, but you trust the One that said get out of the boat and come to me. Comfort zones are found inside the boat, where sleep is present and talk is even more present. Out of the boat is where that time spent with Him starts taking action. It's where you start walking out what He's poured in and knowing that what He promised He will keep. It's where you start letting Him refine and prune despite the pain that is felt. It's where you start realizing that who you are to Him is all that really matters. It's who you are to Him that dictates who you are, believe that and the confidence you have to walk forward will surprise even you. So often we focus on the lack of confidence that we have in ourselves when all the while He is smiling because the moment when you finally realize you can't do anything, is when you realize He can do everything.  Reality check...it's often times not going to "feel" right, but feeling is not truth. Feeling says I'm worn and tired of giving, that my give out is gave out, but truth says Give and it will be given to you...pressed down and shaken together until it overflows. So yes you may feel worn, tired, and on the verge of burn out .....but if you are where God has placed you for this season of life, where He has called you to pour out, then trust Him to pour back into you. So many times we feel ourselves nearing empty and instead of waiting to find the right station to fill up in, we pull into the nearest station hoping to be able to fill up and avoid the rush. This past weekend I waited in a line to get gas(mind you this was in the third gas station I had passed). No I wasn't a part of the gas shortage panic that others were taking part in, I legitimately needed to fill up (the light was on and there were less than 45 miles to empty). So I pulled in not where I normally fill up at, because I wasn't sure where I usually went would have gas. (Passing the lines at some of the stations made me slightly nervous). How many times do we do that though in the spiritual? We fill up wherever we can and wonder why we still feel empty. Oh the tank may say it's full, but did we fill up at His station or the one most convenient for us? Empty can still feel empty even when it should be full until we let God do the filling. When we wait on God to fill us up, we will do as it says in Isaiah...we will run and not grow weary, we will walk and not faint, and we will find a strength that only comes from His filling. 

Feeling fear or nervous about something can keep you distracted from doing what He has called you to do for this thing. When you focus on feelings, it's hard to focus on the battle that needs to be fought in the spiritual. When you focus on feelings, it's easy to feel like you are walking this battle alone....the enemy loves the mirage of isolation. God's got angels around you sweet reader...so alone has never even crossed His mind. There is a strengthening that comes when you finally surrender to the truth that He's got you, always had you, and always will have you. The process of strengthen means you are going to run faster and farther in the next leg of the journey. It's not always going to feel easy, in fact it may never....but you know what He's called you to do...so do it. God said to lean not unto your own understanding...in other words without revelation from Him, it's not going to make sense. Hear my heart for a minute...time with Him is the only way to get His perspective. It means taking off your glasses in exchange for His. It means taking off what other people have handed you to see in exchange for what He has handed you to look at. It's not going to make sense, but there is a peace that comes when God starts speaking in to that specific request you have made. There is a peace when you are desperate for Him just to whisper to you. Sometimes you don't need others to speak in words of wisdom, but just to say they are praying for you as you listen to Him. So many times we seek out someone to tell us the answer, when God is seeking to be that answer. 

As hard as it is to see, God knows what we need. Even requests that we may see as ones we think He should answer, He knows what is best. Don't ever forget that He sees you walking out of the boat, so why would He answer what will keep you inside the boat.

There is a shift coming again...I wish I could say it meant answers, but it's a season of trust despite feeling. Trusting the One who has never let me down yet to continue what He's always been faithful at doing. This coming week the seasons change...according to the calendar it will be Fall even though it may not feel like it most places. Sometimes the natural reflects the spiritual. Seasons may be changing for you...it may not feel like it, but God sees the calendar and the timetable you can't see. God sees what He has planned and despite how it feels right now, He is working this all out for your good. Just because it feels like He's late, hold on.....He's still bringing it all into focus so that when He knows you are ready you will be able to see what He has planned for you all along. 

Take is a verb

I knew a blog was brewing soon, but only God knew the timing. Only God knew that I would wake up from my nap ready to write, with a word that seemed to be burning to come out through the keyboards. Last night I was reading in Psalms and I almost had a shouting fit in chapter 18. Every verse seemed to hit almost every feeling and every thought over the last couple of weeks. Thoughts that were beginning to take root until I took the time to let God put a stop to that. The last few weeks have been a battle, a battle God knew was coming because He not only knows my purpose, but He knows the plan He has for me. A battle that didn't take Him by surprise and for that, I could take a shouting run! God doesn't waste a moment, He has a plan for each frustration, each moment of stress and each thought. It's how much we let Him work His plan in us, that determines the length of the plan. So many times we want to run from what God is using to strengthen us for the next chapter of our journey. Callings are not walked out by sitting and waiting on some divine revelation to smack you upside the head. Honestly most of the revelation I've had lately has been in those quiet moments when I was so desperate for God to show up....but hear my heart when I say the revelation wasn't always easy to hear. It was what I needed, but I can't say it's always been what I wanted. Those are blogs for another day....

There was a word in verse 30 that jumped out at me last night. Verse 30 says he shields all who take refuge in Him. God got my attention with the word take last night. Take is a verb, it's a choice, an action that we have to do in order for it to be completed. That thought that came into your mind that stressed you out or caused you frustration, is it going to be captive in your hands or in His. That moment when you wanted to respond in the flesh because you were angry, but you took a minute to take a breath instead. Take is a choice, when we have that day that leaves us feeling discouraged or maybe not worth enough to make a difference, what are we going to do ? Are we going to stay put in those thoughts allowing them to grow...or are we going to take ourselves to the lap of the only One who understands? The One who knows you better than you know yourself. Think for a minute...He knows what makes you frustrated, what causes you to feel stress, and what discourages you. He knows what seeds of doubt tend to find their way in and He can see them taking root before we can. He knows our weaknesses and oh sweet readers He knows those spots that make us feel insecure. You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones that make you doubt your ability, your calling, your worth, your who and even your do! He knows about those feelings that you keep to yourself even with that smile on your face. God knows....and His word says more than once He's got His children covered.

Take is a choice, it's a verb that requires action on our part. Finding yourself feeling drained by what life has thrown at you, frustrated with what the world has handed you in a package labeled purpose, take refuge in the One who can shield you. Walk yourself to His lap, find that place where you know He's met you before and spill it. He can handle it I promise. Take yourself to the place where you can find refuge. It doesn't mean you may not still feel the rain blowing in or get drenched running to His lap, but it means He will keep you safe in Him.