Typically the year first few weeks of school are calm and start off rather easy. Notice I said typically....that has not been the case this year. I don't know, but I feel like I've been running non stop since we started with work days back in mid-August. I've decided(and realized), that organization as far as I consider organization is probably not going to happen this year, but balance must. There has to be something in between being lazy and being a doormat. I love serving and I love helping other people out, but after awhile you can feel used and rung out. If I had my way I'd wear my heart where others could see it. Then maybe when my flesh gets in the way, they would realize I still meant well. If I had my way, I'd also find the balance between standing up for myself and being a doormat. (Do you see a constant theme/phrase?? Yes there has to be more than being a doormat). God knows I'm trying, trust me if you could listen in on some of the conversations we have, you would be amused. This same mountain keeps popping up every couple of days though. I've climbed it, slid back down it, and tried to climb it again...only to stand there looking at it now and wanting to tell it where to go. Now for the truth revelation on the way home tonight(yes amidst the tears....there is always truth). That mountain is there because I am trying to move it. Guess what it's not a mountain I can move on my own....and yes I've given Him that mountain, but then I let flesh get in the way. I'll admit this dying to flesh lesson that God seems insistent I get is NOT EASY. The mountain may change faces, but the fact is still the same. Flesh wants revenge. Flesh doesn't like the knife stuck in your back that someone turned and you had to keep smiling through it. Flesh wants to be noticed, flesh wants praise. Flesh has a hard time being the bigger person and flesh also makes you think you are living in a doormat world. Not a fan of flesh these days as you can see. Flesh says I'm tired of putting up with this mess and flesh wants to tell that other person just how they made you feel. Flesh if not told to be quiet when in the mind, comes out of the mouth and there in lies my mountain. My mouth has gotten me in trouble my whole life(don't believe me, I have a few elementary teachers that could tell you some stories). As I've gotten older, the hardest lesson I've had to learn(and am still learning) is that you don't have to speak everything you think. If you are following your heart and are walking closely with Him, there are ALWAYS going to be people that seek to trip you up. He never said it would be easy and you know what it's not. It's not easy to watch people taking the easy road, not giving it their best, and yet getting the praise, the acknowledgements, the recognition, the easy way out. The truth He keeps reminding me of over and over and over and over.....I'm in charge of me and in charge of what I do with my time. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, I am accountable for what I did that day. Did I give it my best? Did I do what I could? Did I make a difference in some way? The enemy loves nothing more than to bring other people into that conversation...(he's a liar by the way) so don't listen to those thoughts.
God places calls/gifts in your heart and while other people may not can see it, you know it's there because when you are operating in it there is peace and there is fruit. I'll be honest with you sweet readers, God and I are having some SERIOUS conversations already this year about those God dreams. Only He can put this puzzle together. (He knows I've tried to guess and reason how it will all come together...gave that up a long time ago). He knows my heart and when I say that, He knows those dreams, those gifts, those talents. I'm ready for my season to bloom(yep I think that may be my next blog). I'm ready to see those seeds that have been sown grow and have a chance to see the fruit. I have seen glimpses through different things of what it looks like when I'm operating in that gift/talent/call...wow..amazing. He knows patience is not my strong point, but that fruit seed has been planted and whether I want to or not ;-) I may as well water it and help it grow this year. I have dreams that I'm not able to share, talents that I can't always use, and a heart that some won't take the time to see. I have so much more to offer than paperwork, but titles keep others from seeing the real me. The hardest thing is to keep walking this journey and to water the seeds God has planted inside of you to allow that fruit of the Spirit to grow. The more those grow...the more I can say less of me and more of Him. Oh there are more blogs to come, I can tell this phase of the journey is only beginning. I am thankful to be His princess, thankful that I've finally learned to look in the mirror and see what He sees even on days when I don't feel like, and blessed to know that He is the God of do-overs. His mercies are new every morning.
Everyone is not going to understand you, not everyone is going to be able to see your heart, and there will be times(seasons) in life when you will go, but God when.....(fill in the blank you know what you are asking). Those are the times when focus is key. You have to keep your eyes on Him and not looking to the left or the right wandering what everyone else is doing. You have to keep your eyes ahead and know that when they start throwing rocks(and they will), that He's got your back.
Some days the greatest truth can be heard through the tears, even when Tuesday feels like Monday.
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