My heart says this is going to be a transparent post, we'll see. Sometimes the best place to write and reflect is when you aren't in the middle of it at the moment. Hence yet another Spring Break post....because honestly, I'm going to need someone to remind me in the weeks to come to go back and read this post for myself.
This time of the year has always overwhelmed me because of the fast pace that is required to finish out the year. I thought transparency was going to be my word for the year...but I am finding balance may be more like it. Balance on the outside helps to balance the inside.....when the clutter around you is manageable, it makes the clutter on the inside easier to ignore. To say the last month has been anything but overwhelming would be an understatement. I run at a fast pace anyway and have become the yes girl for more than I should. I have always struggled with putting myself on the to-do list...and now with managing a house by myself ...well me has to get on the list somewhere. Otherwise, the clutter starts to overtake and there is a sense of chaos that is hard to calm. My anxiety has been at an all-time high the last couple of weeks....my sleep schedule has been messed up and I've eaten pretty much anything that wasn't good for me. You can know God's working, moving, and got you and still feel like you are swimming and barely keeping your head above water. Swimming in the natural is not something I do...so swimming in the spiritual realm is often a battle. It's not because I can't, but I defeat myself because of the comparison trap that seems to be a norm for society today. The feelings of "not enough" or "not measuring up" are constants when we compare ourselves with others (or even to ourselves when we lived in bondage). The Israelites were constantly comparing the provisions of God as not being enough because they kept looking backward. When God said in Isaiah that He wanted to do a new thing...He meant it. A new thing doesn't look like the old thing...so stop comparing. You'll never walk forward if you are always constantly looking backward. The greatest threat to a dream and a calling is "well this is how we have always done it." That's what isn't good enough anymore.....not you. You reader are a royal heir to the throne as a Child of God....and He said you were good enough a long time ago (before your first heartbeat). You are good enough...now believe it. (Can you tell God and I have been having a long conversation over the last 48 hours?). Yes, you may feel like you are swimming in the middle of a mess that is about to take you under....but stand up...the water is yours to walk on with Him.
Yes, anxiety is a real emotion and feeling and when life gets out of balance when you start to put the wall back up or find yourself trying to meet everyone's needs but forgetting about your own....it will happen. God didn't design us to live life going all out all of the time and He didn't design us to be a solo power source. We may not always agree with the people we have been called to be in line with and walk this season out with....but we need each other. We need that person we can text when the day has just been too much who reminds us they are praying and to get the oil out and pray for ourselves. We need that person who we can show that our running shoes are out...that reminds us to wait on God's timing regardless. We need that person...we need that Jesus with skin on. Connection is the only way when life is draining us that we can get charged back up again. (Yes we need to stay connected to Jesus...but we also need connection with other people). In being real with others, we find .....life's not that crazy after all and that you are not the only one just trying to stay above water.)
There were several moments last week when I just wanted to grab a bag of chocolate and hide somewhere for a few. There were several where I wanted to just cry...but the tears wouldn't come. I didn't spend the time I needed in my prayer closet because I would fall asleep on the couch until really late and then crawl into bed. Distractions come in all forms...and the enemy knows how to wear down the Child of God. God kept pressing through, though....and talking even when I tried not to listen. Sometimes we want the battle to just be won first before we get up, but God's saying get up....stand up and take back what the enemy keeps trying to take from you. Draw a bloodline around your promise and know that He promised to finish what He starts...and that dream, that calling, those desires of your heart are not finished until He says they are. (When you are almost 35 and single...let's just say that's quickly becoming some of my life verses). The enemy loves when we turn to food, social media, or a TV show to escape how we feel instead of dealing with it. The wall isn't yours to build back....being real keeps you in front of the bricks and keeps the enemy at bay. Remember he may push a button that flips one of your switches, but he can't touch the power on the inside. When the enemy flips a switch, flip it back by reminding him Whose you are.
Hear my heart for a minute....I know life isn't easy at times. We all have those things that make us want to fake a smile and just get through it. We all have those days that could defeat us if we let them. We all have those buttons that seem to get pushed regardless of how strong we were the week before (or even the previous day). God knows that....and despite what is being thrown your way...He wants to remind you that you are strong enough. Yes, you may feel anxious and overwhelmed. Yes, you may be doing all you can to keep your head above water...but He sees you. He knows exactly where you are at and says don't quit. Don't put on the running shoes until He hands them to you. He's the lifter of your head....and yes you may be swimming but He says to look up and press up. It's in looking up that we can stand up and it's in doing that ...we remember that we can walk on water with Him.
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