Water walking days

Now before you go making judgments just by reading the title, stick with me through the end. This isn't one of those get out of the boats and change the world kind of posts. It's a revelation from me bringing my mess of feelings to God last night and going make sense of them, please. I love deeply and pour out often times more than I remember to slow down and take in, hence the migraine that stuck around for a couple of days this week. I don't get them often, but when I do I usually find myself at one point going okay, God what am I supposed to hear. Migraines for me are usually a slow down Child, you have been running way too fast. I'm glad no one else but God can truly hear what goes on in between my ears some days. I'm way too hard on myself and way too quick to start overanalyzing things. That being said....as I've mentioned on here before I'm a visual and some days God has to paint the picture for me to make sense of what I've asked Him. So here's the real look into a me and God conversation last night. Maybe someone else has found themselves at that point too...

The week had worn me down and out and I was feeling it. I had given what I knew was my all but felt like it had been handed back to me with a big stamp on it as not enough. I get in that place a lot...and it's usually when the flesh is screaming and my Spirit is whispering. Those are not so easy places to be at because if we listen to the screams we will keep wanting to hear the applause and searching for someone to feed that part of us. I'm still learning to quiet that part of me quicker so that I can hush those screams and remind my soul that it's not about me, it is about Him. If we could hear His whispers in the moment the screams of not being enough for those around us wouldn't matter because we would know we are enough because He's enough. I care too much some days and my do takes over my who....but it's a journey and a work in progress, I am. So I laid all of this in a messy way to God last night and was desperate for some sense to come to my soul. In His perfect way, He started painting a picture. Out of the boat means we are walking in that part of who we are that we know we need Him, it's that calling that is slightly uncomfortable (hello it's out of the boat).  Out of the boat though is that journey with God, that relationship building time with Him. It's where we get to know Him and the us that He made us to be. I've lived on the verge of overwhelmed and exhaustion for most of the last few weeks. God knew it and I knew He knew it.....I also knew that He had a plan and a purpose if I could keep my focus on Him. I don't know about ya'll but I start out my day knowing who I am and that He is in control, but there are some days that before lunch I'm going God I need an intervention. It's how water walking days go....we are out of the boat focused on the One who said we could get out of the boat. We feel the water beneath our feet, but we know God's got us and we can keep walking. Then the waves pick up and all of a sudden we are feeling way more water lapping around our legs and for a quick moment our hearts start to beat really fast and we question if we can still stay on the water or if the boat would be a better spot. This is usually the time when good ole anxiety and its companions start hanging around. Hear my heart for just a minute.....if God hadn't designed you to walk on the water, to go to a deeper place with Him...He would have never allowed you to get out of the boat. The enemy knows what's on the inside of you and that's why he wants you to run back to the boat. There are moments during a day when the water may lap so much that you do look down at it just to see if it's getting close to overwhelming you...and that glance, that moment when the screams of the flesh take over is when we lose sight of who we are in Him. It's that moment when our eyes go from our Creator to our circumstances....and we sink for a minute, feelings start to win and we start overthinking. A song, a verse, a stone of remembrance time rises up and you look up again. You keep walking and knowing yeah the waves are still lapping and you are still feeling overwhelmed, but God's taken care of it all before and this time is no different.

Some days we can have those sinking and looking up moments all throughout the day, some days it depends on what is thrown at us (and how we are physically feeling). It all plays a part in how we fight....grace is amazing though and I'm thankful for a Father who takes the messy parts of our day and connects the dots for a message. Maybe you can't relate to this kind of day, but maybe you can. Maybe you are giving it all you got and some days still wondering it's enough, show yourself the same grace He does...that's my plan for the upcoming week. I'm not perfect, but God knew that when we started this relationship. It's His expectations for the day that matter more than anything...if those are met, we can smile and lay our heads on our pillows knowing He is pleased. There is a difference in people pleasing and serving....but that's a blog for another day (God's still refining that part of my heart).

Remember the deposit.....

Wow, it's been over a month since my last post (that's not me). Let's just be real...August was long and weary at times. It's always hard getting back into that routine and finding the balance that everyone so desperately wants. I'm about convinced balance is scriptural.....one day that may be a blog in itself. I'm my own worst enemy or as someone said last week, it's between my ears that needs convincing. I walk some days on the verge of being an insecure mess and I know God's up in heaven going umm...Child really? Didn't we talk about that already? Mask off, turtle shell not around.....the mountain in my view wasn't the one I wanted to climb. I had already climbed it, quit circling it.....but it was looming. Even today had moments where I got close to the mountain of mess again.....You see the enemy knows that the mountain of message awaits us when we go over the mountain of a mess...and he wants nothing more than for us to climb back on the mountain of a mess, so he does what he can to push us closer to it. Y'all I could park right there and end this blog on just that statement.....

Last week I was getting ready for church and having my worship time....when I heard God speak in, remember the deposit (Read 2 Timothy 1:6). Well, ya'll I figured it was a blog He was starting since it had been awhile. I didn't realize when I walked out to the car and realized that recall that I had neglected to get fixed was going to need to be done. I can't say I handled it well at first.....but after I realized it was what it was (that was after realizing my laptop had seen better days and wouldn't be going through this IEP season with me)...I turned on Restoring Hope and was like God you know. Well, ya'll He does...I say this a lot, but Aaron's word was so on time I can't even explain. God used several moments during that service to remind me...hey I see you, I hear you, and I've got you. Isn't that really what we need sometimes? Back to the deposit word from the morning......it made me think back to a sermon I had heard Jason preach just a few weeks ago about residue. Sometimes life stinks, sometimes the days aren't as sunny as we would like them to be, and our feelings are just plain yuck. Let's stay real....we all have days when we would have rather stayed in bed. Days when we Netflix is the only company we want. We also have days when the cry of our soul is for someone to just connect with....and to feel like a part of something. It's on those days when we need someone to speak life in and remind us God still has a plan coming....I'm thankful for friends that just know.

You know what God's put on the inside of you, what He's deposited......on the days when you find yourself wondering God did I miss you on this...let that deposit be what keeps you steady. I found myself having to walk and worship a lot during August to talk out my insecurities with God. I asked Him more than once if I had missed Him (of course I hadn't but isn't that what we usually start to feel when it gets uncomfortable or uneasy). It's okay to have to have those moments....where you put the praise music on and just talk to Him like it's coming out. I think sometimes we try to clear our heads before we come to Him in prayer when if we would just lay it all out for Him, He can make sense of the fuzzy. I'm not saying I have it all figured out....or that I haven't looked really hard at that mountain of the mess today, but the choice was mine. I have never doubted Him....but I've doubted me a lot and yes that's a blog for another day. There is a confidence coming that will probably finish that book that should have been written by now. I promised myself on this journey a few years ago that sometimes the posts would just be real. I spent way too much of my early journey with Him with the "Everything's fine" smile even if I wasn't feeling it....that I just can't fake it anymore. I'm real, it's not always pretty......but God loves right where we are at and too much to let us stay put for long.

I don't know where you are at tonight, but God does. He's whispering...I see you, I hear you, and I've got you. Put on the praise music....and just rest, trusting that He's that good. (cause He is😀😁)

Why do we?

If we truly grasped what God meant by when He said the same power that raised Jesus on the inside of us...lives on the inside of us, would we really let the "little" things send us into such a defeat cycle? If we really could grab a hold of what He's poured into us to pour through us...would we walk around consumed by the busyness of life? I've had way too much time today to listen ...(don't get me wrong the to-do list has been HUGE, but God's list has come first). Sometimes He pulls you away because He needs your focus, your attention. If you have never experienced a time of fasting, well that's what it's all about. It's about taking something away that usually keeps your focus and drawing your focus where it belongs. Sometimes I see the big picture before I see the steps....and not knowing the steps keeps me from embracing the big picture. That's a blog in itself.....so many times God's calling us to take a step and we keep wanting to know what it is exactly we are stepping in and on. Ya'll I'm a Jesus girl who has been on an intense journey over the last three years, I probably really should write a book one day....but I can't shake what I feel in my Spirit tonight.

The weather forecast this week calls for rain in the natural, but God's raining in the spiritual as well. He's looking for His children that are positioned and ready to hear. He's not looking at denomination, He's looking for obedience. I gave up a long time ago after a yucky migraine moment calling myself anything but a Jesus girl. (If you aren't sure what I mean by that....it's in a few blogs back). My praise may not always make sense, but it does if you know my story and know what all God has walked me through. (Yeah I said through). I've come from the one who needed someone to pray me through EVERYTHING to knowing how to pray and press through. There are some battles that are only won on your face in your prayer place with God. There are some battles that are only won staying there until God does something.

Don't get so distracted by all that is going on that you miss all that God is doing. Don't let your to-do list be so much of your focus that you lose His focus. Why do we stop at just enough when God has running over planned? Why do we stop at filled up when God plans overflow? There is a praise coming from this season that is going to be a sound that shakes places that can't be seen. The places that were once dry are going to be saturated again. If we are comfortable going around the same mountain, that will be the view that we stay with. Mountain moving takes place when you get off the mountain, or over the mountain, and on to a new thing that He's doing. I don't want to stand before Him one day and hear God ask well why didn't you _________with what I gave you. Ya'll when that truly sinks in....it will rock your world.

I know the days aren't always easy, ya'll I have enough moments of my own when insecurity and anxiety start to get loud.....but for the last 48 hours God's been clear ...stir it up. When we know what is on the inside of us...even on the days when we can't see what He's doing, we have to stir up what He's deposited on the inside of us. When we know the power we have.....we have to take time to not only plug in, but to stay connected long enough for a complete charge to happen. So many times we plug in, but only connect long enough to have power for a bit. This world is going to take power that comes from a full charge. Maybe you aren't sure how to press in ....get alone with Him and just listen (until He answers). Sometimes we have to tary for awhile and wait......(that's a blog for another day).

Different kind of blog tonight, but if He's letting me finish it so it's for someone besides just me. I don't know what your week holds....but I know who holds your week Child of God. There is power on the inside of you....tap into it and stir it up. I know what it's like to coast through, been there done that......and done with this swimming in the shallow end season. I've been in the secret place tonight and pressed through to touch Him. There is a peace with Him that makes you forget that it doesn't always make sense.  There is power on the inside of your Child of God.....flip the switch and follow His lead.

Sunday thoughts

Y'all if I had a recorder for the last couple of days this blog would be so much easier to write....lol. I'll be honest as I start to type this, I'm not even sure exactly where He's headed with it....but the stirring to write is there so I know He's headed somewhere. Mask off for a moment.....I'm not a swimmer in the natural. I love being in the pool and the water, but when I get close to the deep end I tense up and start to make sure I ease back to the side where I can touch. Stay with me I'm headed somewhere....how many times do we get that way in the spiritual realm? We get so close to the deep end of swimming in what God truly has for us, but we tense up and walk back to where we can touch...where we are comfortable. Y'all God didn't call us to stay in the shallow end.....I know I've written on this before, but a few months ago I had found myself back in that safe end of His waters. Yes God was speaking and we were in a relationship...but it was safe. Throughout the summer, I've edged closer to that deep end and the last couple of days I've felt God going, just trust me. No more back and forth...this time just let Me do it and trust me that I've got you. I know where I struggle, where I'm weak at, God does too...but the words that I've spoken when in those weak moments have clued the enemy in on those places as well.  As Children of the Most High, we have got to take God at His word when He says the power of Life and Death are in the tongue.....

David would have never defeated Goliath if he didn't trust that God had given him a purpose and called him. David would have never defeated Goliath if he hadn't picked up the first stone and made a step out there to face what others feared. The giants you face in your life will never be defeated if you just stand there sweet readers. Throw the stones of what God has given you....it may be a word, it may be a moment...that's how we fight the giants, that's how we fight our battles. (cue the song ;-)). One last thing on that...I feel like God's calling those that know how to fight to lead and fight for those who are still learning how to fight or may not have the strength to fight. At one time we all had to learn what it means to be a soldier in God's army. That may be deep for some...but that's where God's at this afternoon. Yes, there is a war going on around us, but when the Children of God come together unified......there is a sound that will go forth that will DESTROY anything the enemy is doing. 

I'm not perfect, far from it.....I'm thankful for grace each and every day. I'm thankful that on the days when I'm not so sure of myself, God is more than confident in who He has called me to be. I'm thankful on the days when I worry if I've messed up, that God says grace...I forgive you now forgive yourself. I'm thankful that on the days when I'm feeling like the day has taken its toll...there is a residue of His oil that covers me until I can fill back up with Him. When we lose focus on what is on the inside of us, God pursues us back and reminds us of the visions and dreams He has placed on the inside of us. That will light a fire in you that I don't even have words for at the moment. 

I don't know where you are at, but I know this God knows right where are at. He knows what the temperature on the inside of you is and He knows what He has set as the normal temp for you(that's a blog in itself). Stir up what is on the inside of you and walk in what He's called you to do. He never said it would be easy, but if we could fully grasp the power on the inside of us....the way something feels wouldn't matter anymore. 

More later, enjoy the rest of your Sunday sweet readers

When God speaks in.....

So Joshua said to the Israelites: "How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the LORD, the God of your ancestors, has given you? Joshua 18:3

When God drops a verse in my Spirit, I often times will put a date by the verse. This one was one God gave me almost a year ago.....and then He brought it back to my attention just a couple of weeks ago. I've had an expectancy in my Spirit this summer...and I've been waiting on God for revelation. I knew it was coming, but impatient me has been like come on now. I've been in reflect mode, hence the lack of blogs. I would start to write and God would never let me finish just yet. If we are truly living our lives for the applause of One, then why do we let the lack of applause from so many keep us distracted. That was in one of those blogs I started one night and never finished...but that part wouldn't leave my Spirit. So many times we get caught up in the comparison trap and it leads us to a rat race that never ends. One thing God kept whispering over and over (He knows I'm stubborn and need time for the root to start), it's a focus issue...if we keep our focus in the comparison zone, we will never be who God designed for us to be. We will get close to it, our promised land in view, but we will never walk into it. So many times we sit waiting on God to give us our promised land, and God's waiting for us to move our feet. God's waiting on us to quit looking at everyone else's feet and start moving our own. He's waiting on us to grow up and move from walking to running. He's waiting on us to know that the visions and revelations He has given us will come to pass. There is a season of overflow coming...God's looking for a remnant that will stay so close to what He's pouring out that it can't help but spill over to others. 

I've been in listen mode for most of this summer. I can't say it has always been easy, insecure, anxious me was a lot louder some days. I promise you I know I make God laugh some days as He sits there and goes, child haven't we already been there. I knew last year was the year of Restoration and this year the word has been release...I could sense what God was pouring out in the spirit realm. The enemy loves to use distractions, some of them may even be good distractions to keep our focus offset. I'm so thankful God keeps stirring though...He knows what is on the inside of His children and He's not going to settle for you to walk in the land of distractions when He has a promised land planned. There are still going to be days when anxious me needs God to whisper loudly steps are ordered by Him (ya'll if I didn't already know that, but some days I need God to remind me and He knows that. He knows that is part of my testimony and if you don't know the story....well it's a blog to come. It's one I should have told more before now). Back on topic...God isn't looking for a perfect people to pour out on..but on a people who are positioned and open to what He's doing. He's looking on hearts where the ground has already been tilled up aka broken up and is in receive mode. I'm the first to tell you I'm my own worst enemy some days...but last night while trying to sleep God gave me a picture of an umbrella of grace. We are so busy sometimes giving that umbrella to cover others when we need to remember it for ourselves too. Stop giving the enemy an inlet of insecurity and speak grace and His truth and promises over our own lives. This morning driving to church, His presence was so real and so tangible....that I couldn't wait to get the car in park and look up the verses God had shown me in a vision. What you saw as a burst, God saw as a shift. What you saw as a stretch, an uncomfortable moment...God saw as putting the new wineskin on and it's time for overflow.

I'm a Jesus girl who has seen God do way too much to start doubting Him now. I know what it's like to take Him at His word and to see Him move as only He can. I've seen God step in and tell the enemy that's enough. I've experienced His presence in a tangible way and I know what it's like when the anointing is poured out. I also know what it's like to breathe through when anxiety rears it's ugly head, knowing that the presence of it is unavoidable, but also knowing now that the prison of it is optional.  Sweet reader, God's not the only one that knows what has been put on the inside of you because the enemy knows it as well. What vision, what promise, what dream has God said was yours for the taking? What are you waiting on? Your confidence isn't in what you feel like you can do, but in what He said you could do. Move those feet.....and step into what God's doing. 

No lie you won't tear down.....

There has been a blog brewing for weeks, but ya'll May was so packed I did well to sleep. If we are being honest, I didn't do that part well either. I'm the worst at running myself into the ground and then going oh yeah I need to be on that list. Taking care of you is not a pride thing, it's a grace thing. We can't love others if we don't love ourselves....and some days I fail at loving myself. God knows that though and lets me get only so far before He goes, Hey child...come on back into the zone. That's a blog in itself one day...but we all have that zone with Him. That place where we know we are pressing into His heart and listening for any whispers.

3:00 this morning and the title of this blog finally came. I knew the blog had reached the surface and I was going to be able to type it out. Those of you that know me, know I'm my own worst critic at times. I have a tendency to see what I can't do more than what I can do. It's a weakness I know that and a couple of weeks ago when worn had hit and autopilot was closer than I wanted to admit, God whispered Phillippians 1:6 in my Spirit. It took a couple of days before that word could even attempt to take root. If I were going to list some of my own strengths, confidence wouldn't be on the list.  That's a whole blog in itself. Confidence and self-esteem are cousins to each other and when your confidence tank isn't full, self-esteem takes a hit too. I believe when God brought that verse out I may have responded with, me confident? and laughed. Take another look at the verse though....it says being confident in this that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. I've always held on to if God did it before, He can do it again, if He moved once, He will move again. That I can be confident in, knowing that He's still working and moving. Having a revelation of who you are in Christ is huge, but when the revelation of who He is in you takes root too....whew. It'll make this Jesus girl take a run and shout.

In my study time for VBS, I can't get Reckless love out of my head. The first Bible story is about The Lost Sheep and it makes me think of this song now. The last two months, I took a couple of punches to the gut that had me going God what are you doing. It wasn't anything big, but the enemy slid in with those doubts of what God was doing too. It made me question a lot, and I'm thankful that no one had a tape recorder for my head. Questions are okay as long as make sure we take them to the lap of the One with all of the answers. Just because you are out of the boat and walking towards God doesn't mean you aren't still going to feel the waves. Let that sink in....being free of something doesn't mean you won't ever still feel it again. Hear my heart....you learn the power on the inside of you when you realize you can step on those thoughts and move forward. The shift will come if you keep pressing, I've seen it happen one too many times. I've seen God move when I expected it and when I least expected it. I've seen God do what only He could do enough that I know He can do it again. I've seen God take seeds and turn them into blooms. God shines through the cracks when we don't hide them. God can shine through those moments when we feel insecure and anxious when we keep our praise and press as close as we can get to Him.

I don't know where you are at but God does. I don't know what you are pressing through, but He does. I don't know what lies He needs to tear down for you, but He does. Our grace giving, reckless loving Father runs after all of His children. He won't let us get too far without pulling us back going, this is why I made you. God knows what He's planted on the inside of you. I still remember the night when I finally grabbed a hold of what God did almost eight years ago. I remember going okay God and started walking forward in that not knowing what that meant. God knows what He's planted on the inside of you.....and there is no lie that He won't tear down to bring you where He wants you to be. He's that kind of Father. For me, it was a sermon a month or so ago on being single. I sat there listening to this word with tears running down my face because God knew. God knew the lies the enemy had thrown at me that while I had dug up, there was still a hole that needed God to do what He does best. God knew my heart better than I did.

You are more than enough despite how you feel sweet Child of His. There isn't a wall He won't push down, lie He won't tear down to bring you close to Him. He knows exactly where His children are at. This journey is a process. Be gracious to yourself, and let Him love you. If He promised it to you, be confident that He will bring it to pass. 

It may look like I'm surrounded ....

One of my new favorite worship songs, right behind Reckless Love is "This is How I Fight My Battles". It's been a song that has been in my Spirit for the last couple of weeks when the stress has been overwhelming. We all have things that overwhelm us....and some days, if we aren't careful what's going on around us, can surround us and start to close in. What's going on around doesn't have to get inside of you....but you have to fight, to battle, and keep a praise. Even if that praise is only between you and God...you have to keep a praise. There is a shift that happens when you praise your way through the press when you dig deep until you find water....when you realize just what God meant by that He came to serve and not be served. 

The last couple of weeks have just been....well press is a good word. I can point to the places that pushed a little harder. I know the load that got too heavy...but I also know that God was faithful to keep speaking and stay close. He knows how long to give you room until you see exactly what He needs you to see. For me, it came last Wednesday in the form of a prayer card at FCA. Eight words brought me back to the level that the battle needed to be fought on. It's why the enemy fights me like he does and tries to keep me distracted. You see, not only does a room full of kids hear about Jesus each week....but this past week one sweet kiddo realized that they need Jesus. I don't know who this kid is, but God does and that's enough for me. When the battle has eternal rewards, that I know how to fight. ...and yeah most battles need to be fought on the spiritual level, but that's a blog for another day. 

Distractions are the enemy's tool to keep us from focusing on our purpose and our calling. Hear my heart...if he can make you think or feel (notice we are dealing with the emotional you...) that you aren't making a difference you won't. Been there done that, and have more t-shirts from those moments than I care to wear. I can battle all day long in prayer for someone else when it comes to battling for myself....I've just started learning in the last six months how to take it to that level. You see...God knows what we need, but there is a boldness that comes when you start circling His promises for you and standing on them saying...okay God you promised and knowing He will deliver in His time. I'm not the most patient person, but there is a seed of patience on the inside of me...and one day there is going to be the fruit of it. 

Transparency moment...I'm not great at asking for help and even though my face may show it, I can slide into a turtle shell with a wall quickly. God knows it...but this time He let it happen to build momentum back up. I know there is a seed on the inside of me....the devil has tried more than once to take that and shut this Jesus girl up, but that's a blog for another day. The dig is not dark if you stay focused on getting to Him. There is a peace that comes when you realize that you are digging deeper not circling the same mountain. There is a peace that comes when you know who God made you to be and regardless of it makes sense to anyone else. (Hello I'm a mid thirty single Jesus girl who attends a Baptist church and prays in a prayer language at times. There is a power on the inside that has taken me almost eight years to charge up.....) . One day this insecurity and anxious me is going to be a quiet little whisper......loud enough to keep me leaning on Him but quiet enough to not be considered truth. 

I don't know where you are at, but God does. It may look like a dark place or a valley, but oh sweet reader.....there is a growth that happens in those moments that only God can get the glory from. It's in these moments God shifts something on the inside and we start to get what He meant by doing all things through Him. Maybe you have made it all the way to a place and you know that there is a step that needs to be made to keep from going backwards....take it even if it doesn't feel right or make sense to anyone including you at the moment. If God said to do it...then He's already covered it.  It's about others seeing Him through us, not about seeing us. When that truth starts to take root...the rest grows dim. Some battles are won when we realize we have to keep pressing through for others even when we are fighting ourselves. This may be just me preaching to myself......but just in case here's my heart on a blog. I've pressed through a mess the last couple of weeks, been close to tears one too many times, and went toe to toe with the enemy and said not today that's already been covered by the blood. There is a world out there that needs to know He loves them right where they are at, and there is a body called the church that needs others to come alongside and not just say praying for you, but how can I pray for you. It's time to not only let others in but to battle with a unified front....for you see that's the army God's rising up. It's the one who will hold hands up when someone grows weary, who will speak life when it needs to be spoken, and who will plead the blood when it needs to be poured. Weariness happens, worn happens, loneliness happens.......but God is faithful and I'm praying right now that if that's you ....you find an Aaron and Hur to hold your hands up, to be that Jesus with skin on that reminds you are surrounded by Him.