Feel or Fight

This was the question God posed on the way home today and I just about shouted(after I said ouch of course...). To say I've fought feeling my way through the last couple of days would be an understatement. The enemy never fights fair and for me to think he would start now, well I should have known otherwise. I'm thankful for revelation before it got too deep. I'm thankful for a deep sense of fight in me that regardless of what I was feeling, I was going to fight. This is me being transparent for a minute...I'm usually on autopilot at this time of the year. I usually put on that smile and go through the motions for the month of December. That's what I have done almost every year for the last 17 years. In case you are new blog reader and are not familiar with my December day story, my sister passed away in 1998 five days before Christmas. It does something to your traditions when you lose someone you love, especially someone who is in your everyday normal routine. I'm not going to dwell on that right now, that may be a blog for another day. I know I've said it before, but I'm a stuffer. I think we all are if we truly get honest with ourselves and God. We have things we don't want to deal with , feelings that we feel but would rather keep to ourselves, so we stuff them. We ignore them and put on that smile. What we don't realize is, the feelings don't go away. They are still there and are starting to take root. Roots eventually begin to grow and blooms come out. They may look like bitterness, anxiety, anger, insecurity etc. I had the blooms, but didn't realize I could do anything about those roots, until earlier this year. (So many times we pick the blooms of things and leave them at the altar without ever dealing with the root ). This year I pulled up the roots and left them in the hands of the only one who could handle them. Freedom was there and through my time with God, He began revealing how He had redeemed and restored that day. What the enemy meant for to cause pain, God had brought healing. Hear my heart...it takes time to get to this point in the process and only God knows when. For me, I was past time, but thankful to finally have listened. That day where my normal changed left a huge hole in my heart. It's a hole that will always be there, but God knew that. He opened the door for a friendship that only God could write. A friendship with some amazing friends who are like family. I'm a better me and in the process of becoming the me He made me to be because of this connection. God knew that in 1998 how the journey would continue. He knew how I would one day be a special education teacher and now teaching the same age kids my sister was when she passed. He knew that in 2000, my parents would attend a homecoming in Kentucky of a family I had never heard of before.  He knew that in 2015 I would finally deal with everything I had stuffed and find freedom. God knew....I don't have the answer to the why questions I've asked over the years, but He gets that. He knows I still ask, I still have those teary moments at times (especially when people talk about sisters), but that I trust Him. I trust Him to be the One to dry the tears, to remind me of His promises, His calling, and that He is the only One who needs to worry about the why's. 

Fast forward to this week...as I said earlier typically I'm on autopilot and find my way going through the motions at the start of December. December started and it seemed to be going well....so far so good. I was like yes, I'm moving forward God. Let's enjoy the season. That verse where God warns us to be careful not to think we stand, lest we fall...yeah it's in there for a reason. The enemy seeks to devour and wear out. Let's face it this time of the year, that's common. We are all running as fast as we can to get the list of to-do's complete and be everything to everybody, all at the same time forgetting those two words in another verse of the Bible...be still. Getting still is in there for a reason, it's His reminder to us that we need Him to be what we cannot be. We need Him to restore our peace and that takes getting still. Busyness leads to tired and tired leads to grumpy, in time things that normally wouldn't annoy you do...enter in frustration. Things that usually wouldn't make you doubt yourself do..enter in insecurity. See how the enemy plays...he doesn't fight fair. I'm thankful God intervened only a few hours into all of this and said..it's battle time. He pulled back the layers for a minute and let me see through His eyes. The enemy was mad that I had found freedom this summer and this was the week he was determined to see me run backwards. Child of God...your feet only go forward unless you choose for them to turn around and run backwards. God's not leading you to your past, that's the enemy's lie. So dig in...and fight. When the enemy throws the feeling of wanting to crawl in bed, pull the covers over your head and give up on the day...fight. God knows your feelings, but He also knows He's stronger than those feelings and He's on the inside of you. It's taken 72 hours for the fight to rise to the fingers. I've pushed through more in the last couple of days than I could even begin to put down. I didn't always push with grace, but I pushed until I heard that still small whisper this afternoon. Then I shouted....yep God got through. See I could have made the decision to feel my way through this week, let myself go back on autopilot, and go through the motions. The enemy would have won then...and God didn't redeem the day, restore my joy..for me to let that liar take it back that easily. Fight Child of God...when God has redeemed you, He called you His. When the enemy comes in and wants to take what is yours....take him to the place where God said nope..she's mine. We have closed hands too often for what we don't need to hold on to and open hands for what we need to hold on to. It's time to let God control the opening and closing of our hands. I know the fight isn't over this week, but God's already won ...now I just have to walk out His steps. 

I know the holidays are tough when you have lost a loved one. I get that believe me. Christmas hasn't been the same for me in almost 17 years. You may have an anniversary time around Christmas like I do. The choice is yours to feel or fight through this season. You know where you are on your journey, but hear my heart. If you are ready to move on past the feeling part of it, God wants to redeem the day. He wants to bring healing to the pain you feel in your heart. He can't do it in the physical as in bringing your loved one back, but He can heal in the spiritual realm. He can heal those parts of you that you can't see....if you will let Him. 

Different kind of blog I know, but this is my heart right now. I've been in a battle all week and am still walking forward in it. Usually I get to move to the other side after the blog is finished....but this battle of feel or fight is different. God gets that and I'm thankful with the help of some amazing anointed music, some wise counsel from a friend who reminded me of the King on the inside of me...God is moving this battle to the fight side. There is a calling and an anointing that 2015 has brought and I'm not going back....Devil notice served, this Jesus girl is taking back her season, armor on, I'm ready to fight.