Peeling back the Layers

So I've decided to do a few of these peeling back the layer posts every now and then(okay when God says to). I had someone make a comment about a month ago well you don't ever struggle with that do you...oh please understand I am so far from perfect. I'm not where I used to be, but I am so not where I need to be. I struggle with things daily, some minute by minute. Most of the blogs come after I've already pressed through the struggle and can look back from the other side. This blog however I thought I would take off the smile I've grown to love that I can put on. I'm not easily read and unless you are in my daily world a lot of the times I can hide most of these. I am just a daughter of the Most High who lives each day covered in His grace. I fail Him at least once a day, sometimes every hour. Some days I find myself covered in the muck and the mud just because and I have to drag myself to His lap at the end of the day. I have learned that if I can take a minute to refocus and regroup in the middle of the chaos of the day I can usually keep moving forward. On days when I don't have that minute, I find myself pretty much in tears by the end of it, questioning everything, and feeling defeated. That's me. I'm over apologizing for who He made me to be.

I analyze way too much even though I know He had all of the pieces in place before I was even born. I question more than I should and I find myself asking Him the same thing more than once. I let circumstances dictate feelings. I doubt myself and if you know me well you know I am my worst critic. I run to food sometimes when I'm upset, okay most of the time when I'm upset. My self control and discipline are not what they need to be. (The ice cream I had this afternoon was good though, but the feel good was temporary). That ugly old people pleasing thing comes back to taunt me at least once a day. It's a flesh thing. We all want to know we are doing a good job and are making a difference, but sometimes we have to just trust God that we are and know we are giving it our all(which is not easy in the moment). I've learned(the hard way), the greatest tool the enemy has is to keep you feeling defeated. If you don't feel like you can make a difference in a situation,  you won't. God can only work through you if you are willing to be you. Let that sink in for a moment. If you are trying to be someone you weren't made to be, who are you pleasing God or Man??? I give up pretty much daily, at least until God fills me back up again and says get back in the fight. I get frustrated when I can't fix something or do something right. (See that critic thing again). I know who I am in Him, but I let people and feelings keep a mask on more than I should. I never set out to be a blogger. In fact I never saw myself even as a writer, but one day God said type. I had a fire that was burning in my bones and I didn't know how else to share it but this way. I know I was made for more than this.  I'm ready for this season to be over, but I know I still have a few other things He wants to see finished first.

Wherever you are at on your journey with Him, take heart and know He knows exactly where you are. I hope you can be encouraged by this peeling back the layers blog and know that this is where I am tonight. I wanted to share a little bit of my heart with you, mask off, this is me. I know I still have a ways to go, in fact God gave me a list one night. He keeps me in check, but sometimes that is only after I've made a mess of the day. If you are in my daily world and even if you aren't please hear my heart. He is my everything. I don't always trust Him like I should, but that's my flesh talking. When I take a minute and quieten it, I do much better. I've grown closer to Him over the last few years and I wouldn't trade a minute of it, even on the diamond days. He knows me better than I know myself and yep He even trusts me more than I trust myself. I love that about Him.

God shine through in everything I say and do.

Focused on the journey,
~Melissa