Well it has been a month since my last blog, a very LONG and trying month to say the least. It's been a growing month that's for sure. I feel like I've been stuck for a month, down for the count so to speak. I took one too many knives in the back and one too many darts from the enemy without my shield up. I've learned who to trust and who not to trust. I've learned who I can be myself around and those who just want to see what they can get from me. I've also learned whose opinion matters and whose doesn't. Please hear me when I say this was NOT an easy lesson. It has taken my energy, it's taken my voice, and above all it caused me to doubt myself. This was a lesson in not letting the word take root as well. It was a lesson in who are you going to listen to? The world or His voice. The enemy knows where you are weak, which buttons to push, and just how to wear you out(most of the time because we tell him with our own mouth). I have taken heart in the truth that he wouldn't be worried about wearing me out if he wasn't worried about what I could do, but GOD.
My God is bigger than what people think. My God is bigger than what people do. My God is bigger than that knife someone stuck in your back. My God is bigger than what people say. My God is bigger than anything. See when we lose focus on how big our God is, we concentrate on how big everything else is. Does God leave our side? No, but I think(well I know), He stands there patiently waiting and giving us time to figure some of this out on our own. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to say nothing at all, to let Him be your defender. We try so hard to do what we can, but eventually you reach a point where you can't do anything at all. It has to be God or nothing will work. You try to fit a puzzle piece into a space where it isn't meant to fit. Only God can change the shape when He puts the piece in place.
So I spent the last month depleted, trying hard to put back in what the world had taken out, and just thinking. I spent the last month writing in my journal instead of blogging(long story....). It was a sweet time, but it was also a lonely time. I am so thankful for friends who regardless of how much time passes, I can be myself around them(flaws and all). They love me for me and I don't have to do a thing. I saw these precious friends last week after a LONG time and got back up. God friends are friends who after you have spent time with them, you have the strength to get back up again. God friends give you what you need to move forward when the world tells you to just stay put. (You may ask where this term God friend comes from? It's a relationship only God gets the credit for).
So how do I know I'm on the other side of this finally, because I had a knife stuck in my back again today. Why do the ones that blind side us hurt the worse? So the question was poised.....Do I keep turning the knife and only hurt worse? or Do I let God take out the knife and in the process use it to cut off some more of me so that I can look more like Him? He won....
So if you are at the same point I was, quit letting what others say/do hurt you. I know it is easier said than done, but in the end the only person we hurt is ourselves. We let others dictate how we feel about ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, and how we see ourselves. This is not how it is supposed to be.....If you have a knife in your back, let Him take it out. He will use it for your good in the end. Will you have a scar and still remember the hurt? Yes, and during certain seasons you may even still feel the hurt, but instead of focusing on what you feel focus on what He did. It takes time to develop that mindset because its not the easy road. Life is mean and this world is cruel, it takes God's strength and His alone to stand when others push you down. I'm on my way along this journey and as He so sweetly told me last night, it's just another piece of me. (That is a blog later). I'm not perfect and I do not claim to be. I've gotten to know grace on a new level, but above all God knows my heart. He knows why I do what I do and in the end when I lay my head on my pillow, He is the only one that matters.
Until next time,
~Melissa
