When you see...

If you haven't heard the song linked above, listen before you finish reading the blog. It has touched a spot deep within me every time I have heard it, but this past push in the journey it has taken on a whole new meaning. If you aren't in the mood of reading a transparent post..you may want to skip this one. This is just another moment along the journey of life. It's that moment when the load feels heavy and the choice has to be made. Are you going to keep eyes forward looking at the One keeping you afloat or are you going to pay attention to the feelings of the water underneath? Eyes off of moving forward and the sinking occurs before you realize. You start to feel overwhelmed with the mess of life (let's get honest we all have a mess we are carrying) and you see you are treading water, but there is a deep part within your soul that longs to be back on top of the water. Once you have walked on the water with Him, you know what it's like to be in that surrender walk....treading water wears you out quickly, exhaustion sets in, and if you aren't careful the motions are quick to follow. You plaster that smile on and do what needs to be done each day, but all the while deep inside longing for that flame you once had raging on the inside to burn again. God won't let you go under and at some point, you find your way back to the surface and see the hand that's been ready to help you back up all along. You get still long enough to let Him breathe on your flame...and the fire that was just a minute ago a flicker starts to burn bright again. When you see....He sees....

Busy can creep in faster than you realize and with each moment of doing, you lose a moment of just being. You spend so much time focused on what others need that you lose sight of what you need. As much as we may want others to read minds they can't. Oh people can sense when something isn't right, they can sense when you are treading water, but if you don't push out a brick ....the wall is going to stay up. We all have a story to tell, but are we telling it or just assuming others are able to read it? Let that sink in.....because so many times the enemy leads us to become frustrated with others but if we will get real we are frustrated with ourselves. It's like receiving a really nice coat/boots/scarf for a present. You opened it with excitement wore it for a season or two, but put it away when the season wasn't right. Then the season comes around again, but it just doesn't feel right. You can't walk in that present you received because you are so focused on how the season feels. The first part of the present is receiving it, the other is walking in that gift....(each and every day regardless of the season). Seasons are going to change and sometimes even when the calendar says it's a new season, it may not feel like it is. (Let that sink in for a minute......have you felt the shift?) . 

So many times we are waiting around for others to see our hearts, recognize our worth and God's waiting on us to see it for ourselves. For when we truly begin to see from His perspective everything else grows strangely dim. You may be reading this going I thought she said transparent post....well most of where I typed you I could have typed I. The last month and half have been a chapter of a book that is still to be written. It's been a turn in the journey where busy crept in, scars that had been "healed" were opened up again, and it was easier to just do instead of be. You see I know that it's in the still moments when God speaks in (whether it's what you want to hear or not). All I could see was what I couldn't do or be , when He was longing for me to see what He made me to be. Feelings because louder and my insecure anxious self was the voice that I responded to instead of the confident anointed voice that knew regardless of feeling, God has a plan (because He always does). One thing the enemy loves is isolation....don't let it get to that point. You know what you need, don't be afraid to ask for it and let others in. God has planted you where you are at for a reason...if He wanted you to move, He would release you. Live life with who God has placed in your path, but to do that....climb out of the turtle shell let people in on the inside and then let God start the healing He's been wanting to do for a very, very, very long time. One last thing....don't complain to Him about not fitting in or having no one to connect with, if you aren't willing to open up and give others a chance. You may not have a group that you feel like is yours, but God will give you what you need....and will tell you who is there for when you need to push out a brick. 

As you read this you are probably thinking one of two things....you have thought back to a time in your life where you can relate to what I have typed (or you may even be in that moment right now) or you are thinking what in the world is she talking about (and if that's you...hold on because your moment will come). Life is a journey and it's not a flat field to walk. There are rocks, there are dips, hills, and mountains to climb. There are moments when you are walking on the water, moments when you feel like you are sinking, and moments when you want to go crawl in a cave and hide. Let this truth sink in....God knew about those moments before you were born. He knew what kind of heart He put on the inside of you, how you would struggle to see yourself in His eyes, and how one day....the seeds would start to take root and the bloom would start to appear. He knew before you were born what walking out the gift He gave you would look like. He knew you would question yourself more times than you should and how you would need Him to remind you more than once just how much He loves you the way you are. He sees past the smile and He hears the thoughts you push play on more than you delete. He knows how you feel your way through moments but also how He uses those moments to draw you to Him. Oh can't you see...when you see anxiety, insecurity, fear, wounds, scars......He sees a purpose and a story that He has been writing since before you were born. 

An almost turtle moment....

I'm learning to run everything through the filter of the One who knew it was going to happen in the first place. Some moments are sandpaper that rub off the rough edges to make us more like Him. Some moments may feel like a crack, but they won't break us...because He's using them to remold a place in us that needs to look more like Him. When our heart's desire is to be in step with Him, He answers.....our natural doesn't always understand it, but it was never meant for our natural to make sense of it. There is a space deep inside that knows the steps we take are ordered by the One who orchestrated the neurons in our brains to order our feet to move. There is a tune that is being sung that can only be heard by the heart that is still and listening for the whisper of the Creator. Life is so busy at times that we run here and there, from good things to good things, forgetting that good things don't always line up with God things. We can give so much of ourselves to others that we have nothing left to give to Him much less ourselves. Busy does not yield fruit....it equals spending so much time running from this crop to that crop that you lose time to tend to those things that God has called you to tend. Get still for a minute, okay it may take longer than a minute.....and listen what makes your heart smile? What are those things/people/moments that God has placed in your path that energize you and renew a sense of purpose within you? Those my friend are fruit indicators.....listen to what makes your heart truly beat and run after it.

October was a month that had some amazing memories that were made, but at the same time there was stretching like I haven't felt in awhile. Stretching isn't always a bad thing, if you cooperate and get still enough to realize what's really happening.  Getting still has been my problem this past month, well still long enough to listen. When I haven't spent time listening like I need to, it impacts my natural and my insecure self starts to become louder than my spiritual self. I've been the queen of walls before, the one who has wanted to hide in the turtle shell until I felt like coming out. I've lived a lot of this journey not wanting to be that open book because it never seemed like anyone wanted to read what I was writing. I have a small group that I text in a moment when I'm almost stuck (I've learned not to wait until stuck...), that same group has always been that safe place and will always speak truth to where I'm at. We get through those moments when the enemy wants us stuck with the help of those God friends that He has placed in our lives. We grow through those moments with the Aaron and Hur's He has given us that say no you can do this and hold you up while you press through. Stuck looks different for everyone, you know what it means for you.....reach out before you get there and don't slide back into the turtle shell. You can only fake a smile for so long.....but God knows that and He knows when so long is about to happen. Follow His steps and look for Him to show up.... (He's faithful to meet the needs of His children). 

He heard my cry this week and rained down in the car on the way to work the next day. He heard my I'm tired, feeling empty.....and spoke straight in to that inner part of me. When you wake up with Tasha Cobbs singing "Fill Me Up"...you know God's shifting and moving on your behalf. When you get in the car and "If We're Honest" is playing on...God's tilling up the ground that has become hardened by life .....and when He speaks in to play "Take Me to the King" and the lyrics mirror exactly where you are at...You sing along a the top of your lungs because you are thankful He broke through. The wall that was on it's way up was broken down again by just a word from the One who knew the wall was there (even though you may have hid it from everyone else). It was a short drive to work, but the presence felt put the smile on my face that wasn't forced. 

I don't know where you are at this weekend, but God does. He's heard every "I'm tired", He knows where your tank level is and He gets it. He's seen what you have tried to smile through and He is already moving on your behalf in a realm you can't see. He could whisper right now and stop it all, but oh sweet friend He wants you to trust His timing as He takes you through this part of your journey. The ground may feel rocky, but He is filling up the bucket to rain down and fill you up sweet child. Get still and get ready.....He's bringing about a move that is beyond your imagination. 

Sometimes we have to take ourselves to the King...knowing that He is the Only One that can move what needs to be moved and speak life to that which needs to be spoken into. You may see a wall up right now or that turtle shell close by. Push through knowing that He sees right where you are, hears those whispers from your heart, and has promised to be with you each moment of the way. God may my heart be sensitive to the "I'm tired's" in my path and those that smile. May we be for others what we need ourselves knowing God will give back, pressed down shaken together and running over......