Water walking days

Now before you go making judgments just by reading the title, stick with me through the end. This isn't one of those get out of the boats and change the world kind of posts. It's a revelation from me bringing my mess of feelings to God last night and going make sense of them, please. I love deeply and pour out often times more than I remember to slow down and take in, hence the migraine that stuck around for a couple of days this week. I don't get them often, but when I do I usually find myself at one point going okay, God what am I supposed to hear. Migraines for me are usually a slow down Child, you have been running way too fast. I'm glad no one else but God can truly hear what goes on in between my ears some days. I'm way too hard on myself and way too quick to start overanalyzing things. That being said....as I've mentioned on here before I'm a visual and some days God has to paint the picture for me to make sense of what I've asked Him. So here's the real look into a me and God conversation last night. Maybe someone else has found themselves at that point too...

The week had worn me down and out and I was feeling it. I had given what I knew was my all but felt like it had been handed back to me with a big stamp on it as not enough. I get in that place a lot...and it's usually when the flesh is screaming and my Spirit is whispering. Those are not so easy places to be at because if we listen to the screams we will keep wanting to hear the applause and searching for someone to feed that part of us. I'm still learning to quiet that part of me quicker so that I can hush those screams and remind my soul that it's not about me, it is about Him. If we could hear His whispers in the moment the screams of not being enough for those around us wouldn't matter because we would know we are enough because He's enough. I care too much some days and my do takes over my who....but it's a journey and a work in progress, I am. So I laid all of this in a messy way to God last night and was desperate for some sense to come to my soul. In His perfect way, He started painting a picture. Out of the boat means we are walking in that part of who we are that we know we need Him, it's that calling that is slightly uncomfortable (hello it's out of the boat).  Out of the boat though is that journey with God, that relationship building time with Him. It's where we get to know Him and the us that He made us to be. I've lived on the verge of overwhelmed and exhaustion for most of the last few weeks. God knew it and I knew He knew it.....I also knew that He had a plan and a purpose if I could keep my focus on Him. I don't know about ya'll but I start out my day knowing who I am and that He is in control, but there are some days that before lunch I'm going God I need an intervention. It's how water walking days go....we are out of the boat focused on the One who said we could get out of the boat. We feel the water beneath our feet, but we know God's got us and we can keep walking. Then the waves pick up and all of a sudden we are feeling way more water lapping around our legs and for a quick moment our hearts start to beat really fast and we question if we can still stay on the water or if the boat would be a better spot. This is usually the time when good ole anxiety and its companions start hanging around. Hear my heart for just a minute.....if God hadn't designed you to walk on the water, to go to a deeper place with Him...He would have never allowed you to get out of the boat. The enemy knows what's on the inside of you and that's why he wants you to run back to the boat. There are moments during a day when the water may lap so much that you do look down at it just to see if it's getting close to overwhelming you...and that glance, that moment when the screams of the flesh take over is when we lose sight of who we are in Him. It's that moment when our eyes go from our Creator to our circumstances....and we sink for a minute, feelings start to win and we start overthinking. A song, a verse, a stone of remembrance time rises up and you look up again. You keep walking and knowing yeah the waves are still lapping and you are still feeling overwhelmed, but God's taken care of it all before and this time is no different.

Some days we can have those sinking and looking up moments all throughout the day, some days it depends on what is thrown at us (and how we are physically feeling). It all plays a part in how we fight....grace is amazing though and I'm thankful for a Father who takes the messy parts of our day and connects the dots for a message. Maybe you can't relate to this kind of day, but maybe you can. Maybe you are giving it all you got and some days still wondering it's enough, show yourself the same grace He does...that's my plan for the upcoming week. I'm not perfect, but God knew that when we started this relationship. It's His expectations for the day that matter more than anything...if those are met, we can smile and lay our heads on our pillows knowing He is pleased. There is a difference in people pleasing and serving....but that's a blog for another day (God's still refining that part of my heart).

Remember the deposit.....

Wow, it's been over a month since my last post (that's not me). Let's just be real...August was long and weary at times. It's always hard getting back into that routine and finding the balance that everyone so desperately wants. I'm about convinced balance is scriptural.....one day that may be a blog in itself. I'm my own worst enemy or as someone said last week, it's between my ears that needs convincing. I walk some days on the verge of being an insecure mess and I know God's up in heaven going umm...Child really? Didn't we talk about that already? Mask off, turtle shell not around.....the mountain in my view wasn't the one I wanted to climb. I had already climbed it, quit circling it.....but it was looming. Even today had moments where I got close to the mountain of mess again.....You see the enemy knows that the mountain of message awaits us when we go over the mountain of a mess...and he wants nothing more than for us to climb back on the mountain of a mess, so he does what he can to push us closer to it. Y'all I could park right there and end this blog on just that statement.....

Last week I was getting ready for church and having my worship time....when I heard God speak in, remember the deposit (Read 2 Timothy 1:6). Well, ya'll I figured it was a blog He was starting since it had been awhile. I didn't realize when I walked out to the car and realized that recall that I had neglected to get fixed was going to need to be done. I can't say I handled it well at first.....but after I realized it was what it was (that was after realizing my laptop had seen better days and wouldn't be going through this IEP season with me)...I turned on Restoring Hope and was like God you know. Well, ya'll He does...I say this a lot, but Aaron's word was so on time I can't even explain. God used several moments during that service to remind me...hey I see you, I hear you, and I've got you. Isn't that really what we need sometimes? Back to the deposit word from the morning......it made me think back to a sermon I had heard Jason preach just a few weeks ago about residue. Sometimes life stinks, sometimes the days aren't as sunny as we would like them to be, and our feelings are just plain yuck. Let's stay real....we all have days when we would have rather stayed in bed. Days when we Netflix is the only company we want. We also have days when the cry of our soul is for someone to just connect with....and to feel like a part of something. It's on those days when we need someone to speak life in and remind us God still has a plan coming....I'm thankful for friends that just know.

You know what God's put on the inside of you, what He's deposited......on the days when you find yourself wondering God did I miss you on this...let that deposit be what keeps you steady. I found myself having to walk and worship a lot during August to talk out my insecurities with God. I asked Him more than once if I had missed Him (of course I hadn't but isn't that what we usually start to feel when it gets uncomfortable or uneasy). It's okay to have to have those moments....where you put the praise music on and just talk to Him like it's coming out. I think sometimes we try to clear our heads before we come to Him in prayer when if we would just lay it all out for Him, He can make sense of the fuzzy. I'm not saying I have it all figured out....or that I haven't looked really hard at that mountain of the mess today, but the choice was mine. I have never doubted Him....but I've doubted me a lot and yes that's a blog for another day. There is a confidence coming that will probably finish that book that should have been written by now. I promised myself on this journey a few years ago that sometimes the posts would just be real. I spent way too much of my early journey with Him with the "Everything's fine" smile even if I wasn't feeling it....that I just can't fake it anymore. I'm real, it's not always pretty......but God loves right where we are at and too much to let us stay put for long.

I don't know where you are at tonight, but God does. He's whispering...I see you, I hear you, and I've got you. Put on the praise music....and just rest, trusting that He's that good. (cause He is😀😁)